Why Is Breaking Unhealthy Cycles So Hard?
“Why do I keep doing this when I know it’s not good for me?”
If you’ve ever asked yourself that question, you’re not alone. Whether it’s people-pleasing, staying in unhealthy relationships, avoiding conflict, or self-sabotaging, breaking unhealthy cycles is one of the hardest things we do. At its core, breaking a cycle means deciding that the way you’ve been operating isn’t working anymore and choosing to try something different.
Why Is Change So Hard?
We all have thought about a behavior that we know isn’t helpful, but we just can’t seem to stop. It’s confusing and frustrating when change feels this hard. We say to ourselves, “If I know that this behavior is a bad idea, I feel the negative consequences of it, and I want to change, why does it feel so impossible?” In my own life, and in treating numerous clients who are stuck in self-sabotaging habits, I have found the Stages of Change model, which was created by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, to be extremely helpful. The Stages of Change (which is seen as a cycle) include the following:
Precontemplation – Making a change isn’t even on your radar yet
Contemplation – You’re thinking about making a change
Preparation – You’re getting ready to change
Action – You’re actively doing something (which is more healthy, helpful, and sustainable) different
Maintenance – You’re sustaining the change
Relapse – You return to old habits (which is a normal part of the process)
Understanding the Stages of Change
The Stages of Change model teaches us that there’s a big difference between wanting to change and actually being ready and willing to take action. You may be asking yourself, “How do I go from wanting to change to actually being ready and willing to change?” Many of my clients have asked me some form of that question, and every time, I tell them honestly that it’s a tough question to answer. Furthermore, readiness is a hard thing to measure.
The Comfort of Familiarity
Oftentimes, we don’t change bad habits because we are attracted to the comfort of familiarity. We choose to avoid discomfort and uncertainty by choosing the same old harmful behavior at the cost of choosing something new that could lead to a more sustainable, fulfilling, and healthier life. For example, you might know a relationship isn’t healthy — but the idea of leaving feels terrifying. Or, you might promise yourself you won’t overcommit again, only to say “yes” out of guilt the next day.
From a distance, choosing a bad habit because it’s familiar seems totally irrational. If we’re being honest with ourselves, though, we’ve all done it; We’ve all chosen to be instantly gratified by the warm, cozy blanket that is familiarity, predictability, and certainty, even if it leads to negative consequences.
But of course, instant gratification wears off at a certain point and we’re left to deal with those consequences - staying in relationships that hurt, turning to substances to cope with life’s stressors, withdrawing from people, or setting unrealistic expectations for yourself, just to name a few.
You Don’t Have to Be Ready Yet
Choosing to put in work (and experience emotional discomfort) is a risk - we can’t be certain that making a behavioral change will pay off and truly lead us toward a more sustainable, fulfilling, and healthier life. As a therapist, I never push or try to convince clients who are considering breaking a cycle that it’s worth it - only you can decide that for yourself.
Support at Every Stage
Wherever you are in the process - even if you’re not sure you want to change yet - you deserve support. It may take time, frustration, and pain before you’re ready to say, “I can’t keep living my life this way.”
I can’t predict when you will feel ready to face the discomfort of uncertainty and try something new. However, I can support you at every stage of breaking a cycle. I can help you build coping skills for intense emotions, minimize possible harm you are causing, and above all, encourage you to lead with compassion for yourself.
If you’re struggling with people-pleasing, self-sabotage, unhealthy relationships, or feeling stuck in patterns you can’t seem to break, therapy can help. I’d be happy to work with you to better understand your patterns, build coping skills, and create meaningful, lasting change in your life. Feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation in order to get started.
